Why He Doesn’t “Ask” for Help

I seriously thought it was just a cliche saying that men refuse to stop and ask for directions, until I ended up riding in frustration on the night of my sister’s birthday celebration, while my husband made turn after turn, looking for the venue and never once asking for help or pulling to the side and plugging the address in the GPS.

I have had a front row seat in Caleb Ishman 101 for the last almost 9 years, and this is what I’ve learned. I thought he wasn’t asking for help, but he actually, most certainly was.

Women speak up and say, “Hey! Can you help me with ______.” Meanwhile, men speak a completely different language. Let me give you a scenario for example before I break this down. My husband and I were hanging out at my parents’ house with the family. My brother and his wife was there, and he┬ádecided to start practicing a song on the piano for church. He didn’t quite have the chords down, and my husband, Caleb, got up and started helping him out with the chords. I thought he was being rude, because my brother hadn’t asked him to help. He didn’t say that he was struggling, and I was concerned that the male egos would clash. Nothing like that happened. Instead, I had missed the conversation that they had without speaking.

My brother respects both my husband’s and my opinion on music, because he admires what we’ve done in our career.┬áSince we were there, he took the opportunity to get some feedback, by playing the piano, knowing that Caleb would know the right chords and jump at the chance to help out.

I had to apply that same situation to my own interactions with my husband. It took a few misunderstandings to get there, but I’ve got it and I’m sharing with you. Here are ways he’s communicating his needs with you.

Men aren’t very talkative, so when they speak, we better listen up. If he makes a suggestion, as casual as it may sound, he’s seriously expecting you to hear him and to act on it immediately.

  1. He complains.

    This may sound childish, but some men aren’t the greatest at talking about their feelings. Sharing a complaint or frustration with you is his way of asking you to care, and to jump in and do something.

  2. He shows you.

    Actions have always spoken louder than words. You know your man, so you know when he’s happy, upset, or indifferent. Just like we can give the silent treatment when we’re upset, men have their body language and signals too. His behavior can cue you in on what might be going on with him.

  3. He shares an adverse situation with you.

    Usually, men don’t want to admit when something is hard for them to handle or if they can’t figure something out. So, their way of “saying” something is to share what they are facing or trying to do. If you have any ideas or solutions, this is the time to save the day!

  4. He puts his issue on display.

    Men are, from my experience, very private. Knowing that women are naturally inquisitive and nurturing, if a man allows you to see what he’s struggling with, he wants you to ask questions and to offer your help.

 

When Caleb invited me to his home for the first time, and prefaced it with “Don’t get scared off”, I knew, when he opened the door, that I would be cleaning up after him for the rest of our life together. LBVS

When he complains about how little time he has to get everything done in one day, I know to offer to carry some of his load.

Get in the habit of looking for his communication in other forms, instead of waiting for him to flat out say that he needs help. That, most likely, will only happen every blue moon.

What cues has your man given that you might have missed?

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Are Reality Shows Killing Marriage?

Watching reality shows used to be my guilty pleasure. I couldn’t help but notice, though, how the women started to rise in fame and the higher they went the less respect they had for their husbands. I won’t name anyone specifically, but if you have watched the show, you know who fits the description.

It’s bad enough that these women’s relationships are played out on TV screens for the world to see, but what’s even worse is that they show us the ugly parts of the relationships. I know, I know. Everyone blames the video editing for the reason things come across as so drama-filled, but let’s be real. No one can edit an argument that never happened. No one can edit a woman cursing her husband six ways from Sunday.

I don’t understand why the men take it, for one. And for two, I don’t get why no one has stepped up to show how beautiful marriage can be. Sure, each married couple takes turns showing us positive moments in their storyline, but marriage isn’t just made up of sporadic moments of positivity. It is much more intimate and sacred than what we see. After one bad season, women are throwing their marriages to the wind, undergoing extensive surgery, and emerging as “empowered and liberated women” who make their own money and who call their own shots. Especially in the shows featuring African American casts, the family is being broken up right in front of our faces, and we’re so conditioned to be used to it that we aren’t even outraged enough to do something about it.

I won’t go so far as to say that reality shows are the cause for marriages ending, but I will say putting overly emotional people on camera and allowing the world to give their opinions on every aspect of their lives causes an immense amount of pressure that not many can withstand. As a result, divorce has become a standard.

What do you think about women divorcing after being on reality television?

I, for one, will not stand by and watch women give up on their marriages. We can be successful in our careers, and we can maintain a healthy and happy relationship.

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